This is me (somehow)

September 19, 2008

“You will know who I am when you forget my name,” – Jim Paredes

As I went through all the challenges of being a student, I have learned useful, unforgettable, precious and amazing things that one might obtain during his or her childhood days.

Two decades of going to school, twenty years of attending class, ten years of it I spent time for extra curricular activities, nine years of it I occasionally go to guidance and principal’s office, five years of downfall, fifteen fruitful years of laughing, and twenty years and still counting… I make friends and discover the world of errors.

But who is me? (Of course, I should’ve said ‘who am I’. But I prefer just be that). Sometimes, I love me. Most of the time, I hate me. I see my life in illogical perspective. When I say illogical, I am more of a stupid person with stupid decisions and enjoy the glory of life. I swim in other’s words. Those others are my family, friends, mentors, professors, kids, vendors, guards, school employees, girlfriends of my boyfriends, org-mates, editors, media people that I’ve met, and those who see me – just me…nothing follows.  I play their game all the time. If I lose, I cry, hide and become weak. If I win, I sympathizes the loser’s feelings, because somehow I could feel what a loser’s can feel and how to give a remedy into it.

All my life, I needed and I still need an antidote for myself. That is how I love myself. If I am hurt, I look for right person’s comfort. A hug will do. No words can explain how silence gives me no pain.   

One moment in my life is when I became the victim of my own blunder. Yes, all people have their own daydreams. I am the prisoner of my own mistakes. I suffered. I sacrificed things that should’ve not been sacrificed. I am referring to the love I give to an artist whom I believe he is not worth it. But when my heart told me that I could love him from far, I did. And I hurt myself. I asked me, is this how I love myself?

I answered, yes. When I give myself pleasure, when I give myself what makes me happy, when I give myself what matters most, when I give myself time to share my feelings, when I give myself time to reflect, when I give myself chance to be loved – I believe that is the way I love myself.

I accept my weaknesses and become stronger with it. I grow not to please others, but award myself as I payback the affection and kindness that others grant me. 

So un nga…

September 1, 2008

i’m hiding. i’m weak. and i’m a loser. can’t help it but give myself a break.

i’m glad i feel okay now. (buti naimbento ang tekken…)

kamusta ka? are you happy? u ok? she’s still a pain? huh?

i stop. we stop. but the unfinished businesses will never be forgotten.

remember: our quest continues. and you know what i mean.

Grandiose Delusional Disorder

This…this is the end. 

Last month nakita ng pinsan ko si Glenn sa EB canteen. She was with other girl. And the girl held her as if they had a special relationship. I asked Glenn and he said it was you. May I know why did you have to do that? 

(Reply: When did you ask this to Glenn?)

My cousin told me this a month ago and I only confronted him 2 days ago. 

(Reply: Why are you asking this to me? What do you mean?)

Bakit kailangan mo gawin un and you know that she has a gf. 

(Reply: I’m very much aware of that, dear. I often do that to all of my friends. If that is, I am sorry.)

Un naman pala. I’m asking you kung bakit kailangan gawin un? 

(Reply: What did Glenn explain to you?)

He told me na you did that for no apparent reason. 

(Reply: What were we doing when your cousin saw us?)

Eb canteen. 

(Reply sa di naintindihang tanong: Yeah. But what were we doing during that time?)

Ano ba? How many times do I have to tell you that? Just answer my question. Why did you have to do that?! 

(Reply: Shine, you’re not answering my question, too. EB canteen, yes. Pero ano ginagawa namin dun nung nakita kami ng pinsan mo? Ano daw ba ginagawa ko sa bf mo? Yakap ko ba? Magkaakbay ba kami? Or what? Kase I still don’t get it.)

You don’t get it? Why? Lahat ba ng sinabi mo, ginawa niyo? Nakita lang naman ng pinsan ko na kumapit ka sa braso as if he was your bf. Naglakad kayo ng ganon. What do you want me to do? Matuwa ako sayo? I trusted you.  

(Reply: No. …blah blah… I am sorry.)

Know your limitations. And please, stay away from us. 

(Reply na malapit na sa boiling point ang pakiramdam: Know my limitations. Sure. No problem. Stay away from you. I will do that. But never talk to me as if you know everything about me. Now I know how pathetic your relationship is. And I feel sorry for it.)

Pathetic? Are you telling that to yourself? You wanna be close to him because you want to have his attention. Friends don’t do that. I trusted you, but you ruined it.  

(Reply: Haha. Have his attention?? Now you’re saying I like glenn. Sure. Sigh. Shine, akala ko matalino ka. Now I understand. Pag-isipan mo yan, Shine. Para maging masaya ka.)

Yeah, matalino ako kaya nga habang maaga pa, lumalayo na ako sayo. You made me believe that you’re a friend. 

(Reply: Di ko na maalala…blah blah blah)

I’m happy with my life. Ikaw, masaya ka ba? I guess you’re not because obviously, many people in your org don’t like you. 

(Reply to end this: Don’t worry, I’m happy. I hope you are, too. You said you don’t trust Glenn. And I realize that’s good. I’m glad I knew you better with this conversation. I advice you to assess yourself like what I’m doing right now to myself. With the org, you don’t have any call for it. Just me. To end this, thank you. You and Glenn somehow helped me. And lastly, I am sorry. I wish Glenn to have more patience and love to offer you.)

I didn’t ask you to say that. Anyway, yeah you’re right. Assess yourself because you know why? I guess, you have a grandiose delusional disorder. Oops! If you don’t know that, you can ask me.  

(…..I stopped.)

Kung nagpaka-Bitch ako, I would’ve tell her “Kailan pa naging she si Glenn??..” or “Ano ba talaga pagkakaintindi mo sa ‘what were we doing during that time?’..” or “Eat up the dictionary with your mouth of shits but nothing changes the fact that you’re an insecure moron! (hindi ako may sabi niyan, nabasa ko lang. hehe)..” and etc. 

Pero hindi ako ganon. Kase guilty ako sa mas malaking kasalanan. And you know that.

It was summer, Shine texted me “Mimi, nakisend ka ba sa email ni glenn ng tungkol sa advocate?” (as far as I can remember). I forwarded this message to him and he told me “Sige lang, sabihin mo na lang na oo, hindi magagalit yan.” But I don’t remember that I asked this favor from him. Sabi niya, “Oh my, baka iniisip mo gawa gawa ko lang un. Hindi mo na talaga maalala?” Still, I told Shine that I did.  

Back to him, I asked him, “U ok? Hmm.” Ok, I’m pissed off kay Shine. Big deal sa kanya ung mga ganun. Ok lang ba magpayakap?

And I hugged him.   

So un, I asked Sheilla about it since that is a sports stuff. “Oo, mimi. Ako ung nag-favor kay Mikoy na isend ung mga articles kay Reich. Email niya kase nakabukas nung mga oras na un.”

But I never told this to Glenn. Pinabayaan ko na lang. 

I am thinking of the same situation right now. “Ako ba talaga ang kasama mo nung nakita ka ng pinsan niya?”

Pero kahit hindi, I am still guilty. And I ignored this feeling for months just to be with you (somehow). 

Things are getting worst. (clap clap clap…)

I just loved you. So here, its payback time. Sa pagkapit ko pa lang sa braso mo, galit na galit na siya. I remember you telling me two years ago, when were still probies, I held your arm in front of her and you guys quarreled.  

Well, we should’ve foreseen it’ll happen again. This message: You don’t get it? Why? Lahat ba ng sinabi mo, ginawa niyo? Nakita lang naman ng pinsan ko na kumapit ka sa braso as if he was your bf. Naglakad kayo ng ganon. What do you want me to do? Matuwa ako sayo? I trusted you.

…this makes me feel guiltier. Eto pa lang, galit na siya. What more if she knew this blog exists? Siguro hindi na ako iiyak, instead, tatawanan ko na lang kayong dalawa. (Just kidding…)

But seriously, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I talked to her that way.

I’m sorry for being mimi.

I’m sorry for I just wanted to be happy.

I’m sorry for I just want to feel I exist.

I’m sorry for somehow, I want to be special.

I’m sorry I ruined her trust.

I’m sorry Shine and I became friends (that made this more complicated)

I’m sorry for I pity your relationship.

I’m sorry for saying that I never liked you.

I’m sorry for I never became a good friend.

I’m sorry for being not enough.

I’m sorry that I’ve been taken for granted.

I’m sorry for this tsoknat.

I’m sorry for our sweet messages.

I’m sorry for the cotton candy, bag, drawings, chocnuts, keychain and bracelet.

I’m sorry for calling you monkey.

I’m sorry for we call each other ‘honey’.

I’m sorry for I ignored Aubrey’s and Sheilla’s advice to forget you… to stop this.

I’m sorry for our stories. 

I’m sorry for the slumber comfort.

I’m sorry for the books and movies.

I’m sorry for our hugs.

I’m sorry for I loved you unconsciously.

Somehow, I regret that we became closer to each other. I know you do, too.

Anyway, honey, how the hell she’s aware of this ‘…many people in your org don’t like you.’???

Hahaha. Nakakatawa ka talaga. If I’m mad, eto sasabihin ko sayo: ‘Goddamnit! I hate you!’ Pero hindi, kase nasaktan mo lang naman ako. And I’m getting used to it.

For the Grandiose Delusional Disorder issue, makisabi sa kanya na pareho lang kami.

oh? ano??

August 29, 2008

masaya ka ba? malungkot ka ba? ako kase nahihiya na… nahihiya sayo at sa sarili ko. shit. i hate myself. and you.

i am sorry.

I hate me more than I hate him.

Now what?? He knows. Shit. I never thought he would fancy typing his name in google then finding out my buried secret.

Tsoknat’s a clandestine.  Here and there – my thoughts, my weaknesses, my strengths, my sadness, my excitements, the unseen part of me… the concealed Mimi.

 I kept this damn blog away from him:

-          For he would not recognize how much I value him and be contented on what I can offer (which is friendship)

-          For he would not take me for granted

-          For I would not feel that I am too much of a foolish person

-          For I would be happy by just looking at him from far

-          For he would not think that I am so much in love with him (which is not..really)

Maybe, August 24’s the right time for him. That was the night I found Stephen King’s Dark Tower Book 3 and the night I attended mass and the night he texted me to submit our been-there-bean story in a competition.  Possibly, 2008’s 34^th Sunday is a gift from our dear God…right time to decide, right time to weigh what matters most.

Honey, how do you feel? Should I stop? Or be dim-witted, perhaps?

In the beginning, there was the end.

I am doomed.