This is me (somehow)

“You will know who I am when you forget my name,” – Jim Paredes

As I went through all the challenges of being a student, I have learned useful, unforgettable, precious and amazing things that one might obtain during his or her childhood days.

Two decades of going to school, twenty years of attending class, ten years of it I spent time for extra curricular activities, nine years of it I occasionally go to guidance and principal’s office, five years of downfall, fifteen fruitful years of laughing, and twenty years and still counting… I make friends and discover the world of errors.

But who is me? (Of course, I should’ve said ‘who am I’. But I prefer just be that). Sometimes, I love me. Most of the time, I hate me. I see my life in illogical perspective. When I say illogical, I am more of a stupid person with stupid decisions and enjoy the glory of life. I swim in other’s words. Those others are my family, friends, mentors, professors, kids, vendors, guards, school employees, girlfriends of my boyfriends, org-mates, editors, media people that I’ve met, and those who see me – just me…nothing follows.  I play their game all the time. If I lose, I cry, hide and become weak. If I win, I sympathizes the loser’s feelings, because somehow I could feel what a loser’s can feel and how to give a remedy into it.

All my life, I needed and I still need an antidote for myself. That is how I love myself. If I am hurt, I look for right person’s comfort. A hug will do. No words can explain how silence gives me no pain.   

One moment in my life is when I became the victim of my own blunder. Yes, all people have their own daydreams. I am the prisoner of my own mistakes. I suffered. I sacrificed things that should’ve not been sacrificed. I am referring to the love I give to an artist whom I believe he is not worth it. But when my heart told me that I could love him from far, I did. And I hurt myself. I asked me, is this how I love myself?

I answered, yes. When I give myself pleasure, when I give myself what makes me happy, when I give myself what matters most, when I give myself time to share my feelings, when I give myself time to reflect, when I give myself chance to be loved – I believe that is the way I love myself.

I accept my weaknesses and become stronger with it. I grow not to please others, but award myself as I payback the affection and kindness that others grant me.